I'm horrible at thinking of good titles.  They've all practically been the same.

So after a long past year, I do believe the Lord is starting to bring me around.  It has been the longest, hardest, suckiest, most painful, most frustrating year.  I felt SO abandoned for the longest time.  By everyone.  Friends, family, even God Himself.  And most days I still feel like that.  Except for God.  He's shown that He is there, even though everyone else is not.  So that's good.

I started seeing a counselor about 2 months ago.  I'm still seeing her.  It has definitely helped...especially right at the beginning. 

I think one of the biggest blessings lately has been my LifeGroup through my new church.  It is the most wonderful mix of people and they have been God's hands and feet when I needed it most...even though I'm sure they don't even realize it.  It's mainly Southerners (a couple from Louisiana, a couple from Tennessee, a girl from Alabama, and a lady from Memphis), which kinda makes me feel right at home.  Then of course there are some Ohioans thrown in the mix!  But they have been so encouraging and so sweet.  A breath of fresh air.

There have been two major things God has shown me, just over the past couple weeks.  The first is when our LifeGroup was discussing the deserts and wastelands of life.  Aside from hearing that I'm not alone, I heard some profound truths.  Both from the LSU guy (it kinda kills me sometimes to be in the same room with him...just kidding!  Kind of...).  The first thing he said was an example of a tree or plant.  It obviously takes water to grow.  But sometimes it can get watered too much.  Then it has to dry out a little bit and let the roots grow stronger.  Kind of like our relationship with God.  I think throughout college God was pouring so much of Himself into me and giving me so much...but then it got to the point where I wouldn't be able to grow anymore until I let some of that soak in and come to Him needy all over again.  The second thing he said was that the majority of the time, the times when we are in the deserts of life are when our plans and God's plans collide.  I was like, WHAT?!?!  I just knew that God was speaking to me that night.  That's exactly what I've been struggling with over the past year.  After undergrad, I had this "perfect plan" of what I thought my life was going to look like and I really thought it was going to happen just like I planned.  Then God had something else in mind and I just haven't been able to understand or get it through my head that there is anything else.  Sooo...2 HUGE lessons learned in 1 night that have changed my life.

The second thing that God has shown me is kind of two things rolled into one.  I hope you can follow this.  I know it's a lot of stuff, but for me it all falls in 2 categories.  And this paragraph is the 2nd.  Anyways...

The second thing comes from Beth Moore's, "Breaking Free".  I decided to read this again, which now looking back was the Lord's prompting.  There were two chapters, one entitled "Hearts Broken by Betrayal" and the other "Hearts Broken by Loss".  Basically, I realized my heart had been broken by both of these things.  I feel that I have been betrayed by several people, in ways that might seem small to most.  But as Beth pointed out, Christ was betrayed as well.  My heart has also been broken by loss by several people, and the majority probably don't even know it.  Both were painful, painful situations.  Ones I care never to experience again, but probably will.  But there were two statements that encouraged me in these situations.  1.) "To know how best to bind up the heart broken by betrayal, Christ chose to experience it."  2.) "Thank goodness, the loss of something or someone dear never has to mean the end of abundant, effective, or even joyful life for any Christian.  Joy and effectiveness may seem to pause for a while as grief takes it course, but those who allow their broken hearts to be bound by Christ will experience them again....Life involves change.  Change involves loss."

Life is getting better...things are starting to work out.  Beginning with the fact that I just got hired as the Varsity cheerleading coach for next year!  I coached middle school this year, so this is a huge step up for me.  I am so excited and I am so thankful that the Lord has entrusted this position to me.  This has been one of my many big prayers lately and He answered affirmatively!  Thank You Jesus.  I will totally be relying on His strength during this transition.  Tryouts are in 2 weeks, so it's already getting hectic!

Anyways, thanks to all for the prayers.  I needed them desperately.  And still do.  Things are still a little shaky, but I'm making my way back to the Solid Rock on which I will stand.

I will keep y'all updated!

So much for writing on my Xanga!  It's been months!  The only reason I'm writing on it today is because I'm home sick. :(  Who knows how often I'll get around to this.  Although, once cheerleading is over I will have a LOT more free time!  I really don't know what to write right now, except that life is kinda crappy.  Nothing good to report.  There are probably good things, I just can't see them.  I keep hoping and praying that things will turn around and that life will get happy again, but at the same time I can't help but to think God has something against me and wants to disown me.  He has no use for me anymore.  I feel like He's not there and I'm just wandering around in a desert wasteland.  Aimless, hopeless, purposeless...  Oh what I would give to have the Lord back in my life again and know Him like I did a couple years ago.  But for some reason, I just keep getting denied.   I thought this year might be a little different and that things would start turning around, but no such luck.  They might be getting better a tiny bit...but it's barely noticeable.  Uggg...I hate winter.